Facing the Unknown

SRI AUROBINDO'S ASHRAM
I arrived to New Delhi airport at 10 pm on New Year's Eve. The whole way to the airport I felt surreal. The reality of me going to a foreign country on my own was hitting closer to home. I remember walking through the airport in DC saying is this real? Am I really leaving the US for a whole year? People travel alone for months or years all the time, but this is not common in my circle. My family travels often, so traveling is not foreign to me, but traveling alone is. So my first leg was from DC to Orlando, Orlando to Charlotte, Charlotte to Chicago and finally Chicago to Delhi. I was walking to my gate at Chicago airport and saw this beautiful women who shaved her head bald. That was the beauty of it. It was totally bald. Gorgeous! Courageous! Part of me wish I can be so brave, but people tell me I am all the time. It is brave to travel the world alone. I guess it is. I haven't thought much about that, just knew I had to do it. So I stopped to tell her how gorgeous she was. She thanked me and we ended up having a 1/2 hour conversation. She discussed how freeing it was when she cut off her hair and described that release. I started thinking maybe that will be part of my letting go as well, to cut off all of my hair. To make room for the new and improved Renee. Don't get me wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. Everyone can always stand to grow and improve. I have never liked stagnation. I guess I felt stuck. I've done the most that I could do as a therapist, but want more. I want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want to make a difference in my life. My relationships are the same after the other. I know if I stayed I will eventually enter a relationship and marry, but I truly wasn't ready for that. I feel I have more growing and more to see before I settle down. So maybe I will cut my hair. I haven't yet, but maybe I will. I've cut my hair short twice and it is currently short but never bald. We will see. They begin to start boarding the plane and I found my seat. The 14 hour flight was nice and smooth. I enter into New Delhi at 10 pm, deplane and begin to try and find my way to the baggage claim. The airport was crowded, people all over the place. I go through customs and claim my bag. I begin to tire quickly because I have a full backpack and the small backpack is heavy. I realized I packed entirely too much. Oh well, nothing I can do now. I make my way through the airport to change a $100 bill, then I headed towards the prepaid taxi booth. Taxi drivers were shouting taxi, taxi. I just headed to the booth because I was told to do that. The other drivers will charge you more or take you someplace else. My driver didn't know where my Ashram was and had to ask someone for directions, so that was scary. On our way there was an outdoor party with fire burning and music playing. I started to hear Sean Paul, Temperature and that put me at ease. I don't know why maybe just hearing something so common to my nature in a foreign place made me feel at home. I could now smile and breathe until we got to the Ashram. The taxi driver let me out and it was dark and I had to walk through this walkway alone, not knowing which direction I was headed and not knowing if I could even get in at 11:30 pm. So I finally find the reception desk, tired after walking with the heavy backpack, but it was closed. It had a sign saying to go to a certain room for after hours admission, so I go to the room but no one was there. I began to walk around then a lady came and helped me(whew). I got a single room, put my stuff down then went to the midnight meditation that they were having for NYE. I then go to my room to sleep and can now notice how cold it was. I am so thankful my cousin T made me bring my sleeping bag. The next day I checked out of my single room to get a dorm room. The dorm here at Sri Aurobindo's Ashram (SAA) was nice. It had room for about 18 women, but there was only one other. So we had plenty of space. Here at SAA I met Tenzin Gache, who is a buddhist monk. He was there with his mother. He was really nice, but was only staying for a day or two. He gave me his contact info as well as some of the buddhist events that were happening in India. Through him I met Uri. Uri is from Israel. I really connected with Uri. He took me around Delhi and gave me a lot of useful info about India. He was on the end of his trip so wanted to go shopping. I decided to go shopping with him and so experienced my first autorickshaw ride with him. It was alot of fun but cold because the rickshaw does not have windows and all the cold air was blowing on us. Uri was really dedicated to his spiritual growth. He would meditate daily for long periods, which made him a good motivator for me. Through Uri, I met Marcin. God really works wonders. I had decided to leave Delhi because it was just too cold and sleeping in a cold room without heat was getting to be a bit much. I decided to head south to Amma's Ashram (AA) which is where I intended to go in the first place. AA and Sai Baba's were the two places I planned on coming to in India. Since my plane went to Delhi, I decided to stay there for a week. So Marcin was on his way to Amma's as well. I say God works wonders because I was able to travel with Marcin to Amma's and boy did I need that. I got sick the day we were leaving and had diarrhea the whole train ride which was 49 hours and bones were aching. Marcin helped me carry my bags since I was sick and took care of me on the train ride. He made sure I had plenty of water and took meds. Marcin and Uri were both genuine and sincere in their care of me. It was really nice to meet people who genuinely care about others. You meet alot of people like this in India. The energy in India is that you feel like you connect with people so much more and so quicker and time stretches. My 5 days in India felt like a month and I felt like I knew Uri and Marcin for years. Other than me sleeping on the top bunk and having to wake up hourly to run to the bathroom, the two day train ride was good. I got to see alot of India. I met four African men on the train. They were sitting in the same section as Marcin and I. We all had great conversations. The other reason, amongst several I say that God works wonders is that I don't think I would have been able to navigate my way around Delhi train station without Marcin. Nothing seemed organized and it was so crowded. Thank God Marcin had been in India for some time and understood the system.

The Unknown Zone

Thanks Eunja for the title. I sit here paralyzed, unable to move, frozen. Why? Is it a fear of change? Is it fear of the unknown? As part of getting ready for my journey, I decided to give everything away instead of putting them in storage. I had a moving sale a couple weeks back and was able to sell most things. I have a few things left that I plan on trying to sell through another moving sale. The moving sell was exciting; people were coming through and I got to barter with them. Yes, the New Yorker in me came out and that felt great. Interestingly, I got to meet some fascinating people through this sale. I met two ladies from India. The first gave me some recommendations and tips. We had a great conversation. She ended up buying a candle from me for 20 cents. Woohoo. I think she felt obligated to buy something after our great conversation. The second lady must have preached to me for about an hour. Telling me how she left Hinduism for Christianity and that there is only 1 God. Through her life choice, she had to lose her family. I really felt for her and she warned me that tons of people will try to convince me that their religion is the right one for the path to salvation. I thanked her also for her tips. I can’t remember if she bought anything, she must not have. Well at least I had two great conversations and wonderful tips to remember. So, once the sale was done, I just looked around my home. All alone in a somewhat empty house. Suddenly it felt like this is really going to happen. I am really leaving, but then I got sad. I don’t know why, but the excitement changed into fear and sadness. To know that you are leaving everything and everyone behind even if for a good reason is scary. Change is inevitable, change happens everyday. Without change there would be no life. The alone thing that is certain is change. But why do so many people fear change? In my work, I see people who know what they need to do whether it is leave an abusive spouse, quit alcohol or drugs but yet they are paralyzed and can’t do what they need to do. Why is that? I know deep down in my heart, with every fiber in my being that this is a journey that I need to take. But yet, I have procrastinated and have not done what has needed to be done so I could have left already. I should have been gone in September, but now it is November and I am just finishing up most of the things that needs to be done. I closed down my private practice, so I have so much time on my hands but I haven’t been progressing in my move as I should. Today, I took my car to get an oil change and to see what why it was making this crazy noise. I decided to leave the car and walk home to get some exercise in since it has been some time since I’ve done yoga, belly dance, run, or any form of exercise. On my walk I saw two caterpillars’ at two different points. As I looked at those caterpillars’, I thought about how this insect will go through a metamorphosis and turn into a beautiful butterfly. But before it can be this beautiful gift that is flying free and peacefully it has to first crawl the earth and go through this change. I then thought about my journey and just maybe going through this journey I too will someday soar and feel free. Isn’t that why we are on earth? To be great, to know our infinite wisdom and to be free. Not to be held captive by life, work or poverty.

Beginnings of my spiritual journey Pt. 1

OK, so I decided to start a blog cuz a lot of friends, family and coworkers are asking me everyday about my upcoming journey. So, they all want to know why I am going, how I am doing it and when I am leaving. So let me start on the why I am going. But before that let me say that I am hoping to get a lot of followers. This blog thing is new for me, but I figure I'm gonna have a lot of stories and I might as well get used to blogging now. OK so as you see the ADHD kicked in and I went off on a tangent. So, back to my story. Why I decided to go to India and Argentina. Well, I've always wanted to live out side of the country (USA) and see what it is like being somewhere else; but why now? Well, I am 35 years old and have been in a series of relationships but still single. I could say they were bad but really they weren't. I think everything I have been through has been to lead me to make this decision to travel. I have met some great people, but they were not ready to commit. As I had to do work on myself, I realized I was not ready to commit so I attracted men who were not ready to commit. This gave me an excuse to focus externally, get mad at them and now focus on myself. Stay tuned for my book on relationships. At the end of my last relationship (last summer 2008) was when I decided to leave this country. I was so in love all though I never told him, but when he broke up with me I knew something had to change. I keep entering the same type of relationships with the same endings. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and expecting new results". I said it is time for me to stop this insanity. The leaving the country is more so that I can stop, sit back and exam myself. Figure out who I really am and what I am looking for. Sure I can do that here, but why when the world is so huge and there is so much out there to learn and to see. At the same time that I was going through my relationship stuff, I was going through slow spiritual growth. I am a very anxious person who can not sit still. My friends know that I always have like 3 jobs, travel all the time and still have time to hang out with them. They always say "I don't know how you do it". Truth be told, I don't know either. (Is it ok to bring the IM/chatting lingo into blogs? I hope so). Focus Renee Marie. So back to being anxious....I know being here I can not instill the discipline I need to sit quietly and be introspective. Oh, I was going to bring up meditation. So I started looking into relaxation techniques to help me learn how to relax. That is when I decided to look into meditation. At first, I bought a book on how to meditate, but I didn't get very far with that because I wasn't disciplined enough to do it on my own everyday. So, I started looking for places I could go to for meditation(free of course since I wanted to try and do it everyday and that would get expensive). So the free places I found were Buddhist centers. Lo and behold I started visiting 3 Buddhist centers. I finally settled on 2 that I went to fairly often. Eventually I took refuge and became Buddhist. In addition, I learned Reiki and started doing yoga. So all of these spiritual things made we want to grow more spiritually which led me to decide to go to India. This and the fact that I read Eat, Pray, Love. Reading about Elizabeth Gilbert's stay in an Ashram made we want to have that experience. Well I am going to the Black woman's version of Eat, Pray, Love. Stay tuned for that book too. So, why Argentina? A coworker of mine would always say this joke to me when I go to work in such a great Indian accent even though he is from Iran. "You are going to India to find yourself , then you are going to Argentina to find a man" Hey, not bad if that happens. So why Argentina? Well I have to say for 2 reasons: the Argentine accent and the beef! I want to learn spanish and I want to have the Argentine accent. Stay tuned for how I will accomplish this trip, where I will be staying, etc. I plan to continue this blog with videos, pictures and more stories for my family and friends to share in my story.